Grief - AKAHellcat - Call of Duty (Video Games) [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

You sat at the dining room table, staring at the small black velvet box, and it stared back at you. A symbol of finality. Mocking you and your grief, yet holding a treasure so precious within. The final act of acceptance would be to open the box and accept the gift inside. Yet you hesitated. To open this box, would also mean accepting the year long cycle of grief and pain that you had enveloped yourself in. You had allowed it to become your cocoon, your safety, as the turmoil raged on within yourself like an unforgiving storm. Now that this moment had come, you weren't so sure that you were ready. Ready to leave the safety of the chaos and pain and see what life awaited you on the other side. You had to be brave, you needed to embrace it in order to move beyond it. As you reached for the small velvet box and opened it, your thoughts began to drag you back through the last year like some old home movie on a reel.

DENIAL

The denial started with Price knocking on your door. The world came to a stand still as he uttered those words.

"I'm sorry, I regret to inform you that-" the whooshing in your ears drowned out his words. Your eyes widened as your tried to take it all in. "Please accept our deepest sympathies, we are so sorry for your loss"

"No. No, no, no, no, no. NO!" You began screaming in the doorway of your home as you slowly backed into the entryway. You bumped into the little table opposite of the door. Knocking over a vase and shattering it. The water spilling and the flowers laying on the floor in a pathetic heap.

Price helped you to the living room and then cleaned up the mess.

He stayed with you for a couple days, helping you make phone calls, and arrangements. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion and a blur all at the same time. The denial crept up in small ways during your day.

Doing his laundry, and putting it away. Going grocery shopping and picking up his favorite drinks and snacks. Checking your phone for any missed calls or texts. At one point Price came over to check on you. You heard the front door, and footfalls in the entryway and called out his name, only for Price to appear instead. The denial continued, until it hit you like a freight train. . .

RAGE

The anger. The outbursts. Johnny absorbed a lot of your rage.

Initially when he stopped by to check on you and you threw a hardcover book at him. It was about 3 inches thick and you hit him square in the face. Once you calmed down, you apologized profusely, getting him an ice pack and checking him over. He tried to make light of the situation by saying how good your aim was.

Other days he took the brunt of your anger when you blamed him. He was in the field with him after all. Why did Johnny get to live and he didn't? you screamed at him. You saw it, the hurt that flashed on his face but he absorbed it, he didn't throw any words back at you. He often questioned it himself. The survivor's guilt ate at him, but he had a duty to you. To see you through your grief. And he would, no matter the cost. He finally convinced you to take up boxing as an outlet for yourself. And it helped. There were still some days when it got the best of you and a switch would flip and you'd become relentless in your pursuit to land blows. When it became too much and you'd start crying Johnny would bear hug you to give you a sense of safety. To help ground you and bring you back. You were so thankful for him and all he endured from you.

Soon though the tides would turn and you stumbled into the next phase. . .

BARGAINING

Out and about, you'd see happy couples, young families. Smiling, laughing, unaware of the turmoil going on in the world. Blissfully unaware of the true sacrifices made by others everyday so they could keep living in their happiness and bliss. Why couldn't that have been you? What you would give to have him back. Your heart, your soul. While you knew it was foolish, you'd sell them in an instant to hold onto him once more. To lay your head on his chest and feel the thud of his heartbeat, to hear it. A gentle reassurance of his presence.

You spent time begging the universe for one more conversation, one more kiss, one more "I love you"

One particular night you were out stargazing in the backyard. Being alone in the dark was somewhat comforting. "Hey love, what are you doing out here by yourself?" A gentle voice pulled your eyes from the black void overhead. Gaz.

You looked at him curiously. Why was he here?

"I've been trying to get a hold of you for a while. In fact we all have. Thought I'd stop in and check on you" you look at him with a half hearted smile. Tears brimming your eyes.

"Why couldn't he just come home Gaz? Why him? Anything. I would give anything to ease the pain, to bring him back, maybe if I'd asked him, or begged him to not go. . . Maybe he'd-" you break down crying.

He knelt down next to you and wiped a tear from your cheek. "I wish I had answers, but I don't. The only thing I can tell you, from experience, is that bargaining isn't the answer. It's not what he'd want. He'd want you to find peace." He sat down and watched the night sky with you until you gave in and fell into the void of sleep. Creeping overhead like a storm, it came swiftly. . .

DEPRESSION

You recoiled into yourself. The guys were all worried about you. They began checking in on you daily. Gary, especially. Your depression hit close to home for him. Depression and suicide was something that he was all too familiar with in his family. His mother was depressed throughout his childhood, and his sister lost her life to suicide. He became increasingly worried when he'd come over to check on you and he'd find you in the dark, some sad music playing. You weren't eating well, and had dropped weight. You stopped boxing with Johnny. Seldom answered your phone and gave quick, clipped answers through text when you did answer. The alarms went off for him though and he confronted you when he found that you'd been packing up your belongings into boxes and had been suddenly cleaning the house and tidying everything up. By pure chance he found some letters you'd written stuffed in a pile of mail. Your Goodbye letters addressed to them all.

You were mad, and scared, anxious and ashamed. Breaking down on the kitchen floor when he asked you. He held you in his arms, comforted you, and vowed to get you help. He refused to lose someone so close to him again. A couple months of intense therapy and counseling, along with the aid of medications had you feeling like the cloud was lifting. The sun was slowly breaking through. You were so grateful to Gary for speaking up and confronting you. With all the help and support you were finally able to move forward. Forward towards. . .

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance. You had come so far on this journey, one you had no choice but to take. Almost a full year later. Things were looking brighter. The days had more color and you were beginning to feel warmth starting to sink back into your soul. Spending time outside. You'd resumed boxing, which now aided not only in channeling your anger on bad days, but gave you a way to channel your other emotions as well. You'd built a strong bond throughout the last year with the team, and you'd never be able to repay them. When they weren't on missions they'd check in, come over and host dinners. Your home had become the unofficial home away from base for them. When they were gone the silence was almost unbearable, but when they returned it felt like home again.

They would be home tonight and yet here you sat staring at the little black velvet box. You take in a shaky breath and exhale. Reaching your hand out you stop short of the box. Another shaky inhale and your fingers brushed it. Recoiling like you'd been shocked. Tears threatening to fall. You strengthen your resolve and took in another deep breath and grabbed the box. You were surprised by how heavy it felt, given its small size.

Slowly you lift the lid on the small box and in the light a beautiful diamond glittered to life.

You carefully pull it out of the box and study it. The Final Gift. It was the ring he was going to propose with one day. Price had given it to you when they cleaned out his locker. Initially you weren't sure what to do with it. After a couple months of staring at it, you made up your mind, and now you felt with certainty that it was the right thing to do. As you looked at it, you smiled as tears broke free and slid down your cheeks.

Below the diamond in the setting was a small resin base and inside the resin were his ashes.

"I miss you so much Simon" you continue to look at the ring, before carefully sliding it on your ring finger then bringing your hand to your chest and covering your heart.

While you were no longer together on the same plane of existence, to have him with you everyday in some small way, this would be enough until you meet again.