Miss Manners for May 13, 2024 - Miss Manners (2024)

I am now receiving invitations to dinner. Some I’ll gladly accept, but there are others I really don’t want to. How do I politely decline the invitations I don’t want without hurting people’s feelings?

GENTLE READER: Although you do not need an excuse as long as you express regrets and thanks, Miss Manners notices that you have one easily available. If you say “I’m not going out much,” people should understand that this refers to the way you are handling your grief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am privileged to receive free air travel benefits from my husband’s job as an airline pilot. My family flies on standby status, so we are usually among the last passengers to board the plane. Because of this, I am often separated from my 10-year-old. This is fine with us, as my son is an experienced traveler and is a quiet, self-sufficient and polite passenger.

Other well-meaning passengers will sometimes offer their seat to me so that my son and I can sit together. If my assigned seat is as good or better than the one being offered, I will gratefully accept the switch.

However, if I am assigned a poor seat, I usually thank the person, but decline. I do not want a paying passenger to have to take my bad (but free) seat. Then again, perhaps the other passenger does not want to sit next to my child, meaning I should accept regardless.

I am not permitted to advertise that I am flying for free. Is my response correct, or should I always accept the offered seat?

GENTLE READER: What? Airline passengers who are considerate of the other passengers! One moment, please, while Miss Manners picks herself up off the floor.

Of course, people in such circ*mstances ought to bond and look out for one another; it’s just that the stories one hears tend to suggest the opposite. But here you are, asking how to be most considerate of those who are being considerate of you. Thank you.

Let us assume that your would-be benefactors are also acting out of courtesy, not that they are trying to get away from your son. You could simply accept with thanks. Or you could say, also with thanks, “But this is a worse seat, and my son is an experienced passenger, who will be fine.” This allows them to insist -- or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As my senior year was drawing to a close, a sales rep visited our school to sell class rings and graduation announcement cards.

“The more you buy,” he said, “the more gifts you get, so be sure to buy lots -- and send them not just to family, but to everyone you can think of!”

I had thought that announcements were meant to share a happy milestone with family and friends, but it seems they really are intended to be widely circulated demands for gifts.

GENTLE READER: Congratulations -- not only on your graduation, but for having the right answer for the use of an announcement. Miss Manners flunks the rep.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a journalist. The other day, I noticed a typo in an online headline from another outlet, so I called around to see if I could notify them. I was unsuccessful.

Eventually, I posted on social media that they should fix it. I only meant for the post to be up an hour or so, but I got busy and forgot to take it down.

My supervisor (another journalist) sent me a note that my post was unprofessional and embarrassing to the other outlet. (We all follow one another.) She wants to meet with me to discuss it.

To be honest, I do not see the problem at all. We should all be held accountable for mistakes made, especially as professional writers and journalists. Why should they get a pass for their error? No one would think twice about telling me to correct something.

What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: What you did, it seems to Miss Manners, was the professional equivalent of telling someone publicly that they have spinach in their teeth, rather than the more polite act of doing it discreetly.

If there had been a factual error, you would have had a better case. But publicly pointing out a typo -- especially from a competitive news source -- looks petty. This is quite a different thing from your own editors’ correcting your copy. That is their actual job.

Therefore, Miss Manners is inclined to agree with your supervisor. And she will do you the favor of not questioning your journalistic abilities further by asking how difficult it could possibly be to find the other outlet’s copy editor. Instead, she will strongly suggest that next time, you try harder -- or let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a small destination wedding at a nice, but not top-of-the-line, resort. All guests but one had a lovely time.

The one unhappy guest usually travels to nicer resorts. We discussed this in advance, and I gave her several opportunities to decline, with the understanding that this may not be her usual cup of tea.

She came anyway, but was unhappy and unpleasant the whole time. She spit out food at our co*cktail hour, left the reception to eat elsewhere, described the spa as torture, and even insulted my groom and what he was wearing several times. I’m not sure why she wanted us to feel bad at our wedding, but she sure used a lot of poor manners to show how superior she was to us.

Now I have to send a thank-you note for her presence (no gift, as it was a destination), but I’m struggling to find sincere words of appreciation as I think it would have been better if she hadn’t come at all. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: As much as she hates to discourage a thank-you letter, Miss Manners is pleased to tell you that one for mere attendance at a wedding is not necessary. Of course, your unhappy and unkind guest may disagree. But clearly she is used to being disappointed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I had tickets for a show, and we thought we had allowed enough time beforehand -- nearly two hours -- to eat dinner at one of the casual restaurants near the theater. However, although it was a weeknight, every eatery nearby was packed. We waited at one establishment for 20 minutes until there was a table available.

The restaurant was situated in an old home, and we were finally seated in a side room. There was just one other table in the room, where 12 people were dining. These patrons appeared to be quite inebriated.

My friend’s back was to the other table, so he could not see them, but these people began snickering and jabbing each other in the ribs and pointing at us. My friend has a slight Southern accent, but other than that, I cannot imagine why they considered us so amusing. We were clean and neatly dressed. These people were young adults; we are seniors.

Nothing about our conversation could have possibly interested them, and yet, after several minutes, a young man at the table said, “Shh! Shh! Listen! Listen! Listen!”

I did not have to raise my voice in the ensuing silence. I said, “I wonder why the people at the other table have decided to listen in on our conversation.” After several beats, I added, “Perhaps they cannot think of anything to talk about among themselves.”

My friend appeared to be embarrassed. I think he was totally unaware of the shenanigans that had been going on behind us. Thankfully, we were able to enjoy the rest of our meal in peace. But I feel that I could have handled the situation differently.

There was no other table available at that restaurant, and we were too short on time prior to the show to go elsewhere. How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: Your impolite restaurant mates were also looking for a show, and you gave them one. If they could not better disguise their eavesdropping, then Miss Manners believes they got what they deserved.

The only thing to have done differently might have been to alert your dinner partner to what was happening -- and if asked, to have feigned ignorance as to what the source of the mockery could possibly have been. There is no way to be sure that the laughter was at your companion’s expense, in any case; mean-spirited and inebriated people will look for any excuse to laugh at someone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After finishing a game of pickleball, my partner and I thanked our opponents, whom we did not know. One of them said, “It was my pleasure.” What should I have said in return? I didn’t know, so I just smiled.

GENTLE READER: Add a nod and you may consider the transaction complete.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)